Tumblr doesn’t do anything good for me. All it does is upset me. However I do not have a computer at the moment. So all i can do is delete the app from my phone. But not before i say one last thing.

I had plans for us. I was going to wait untill the christmas before you graduated. I was going to suggest we go to your parents house for the holidays. I was going to go there with a ring and ask for your parents blessings. We would go into chicago for new years. I was going to have us go on a horse and buggy ride. Once we were about halfway through the ride i was going to go down on one knee. I was going to tell you that you saved me. That you made me a better man. That i loved you with my whole heart and that i couldnt imagine the rest of my life without you. I was going to tell you that i want to grow old with you, raise a family with you. And i would ask you to marry me.

I made that plan on new years of this year. When we went to chicago. Yet just 3 months later you broke up with me. But you didnt. You stayed in my parents house for another 4 months. You still flirted, you still told me you loved me. And then one day you tell me your leaving, giving me only a few days notice. And then I came home from work one day and you were gone. That destroyed me. You didnt even say goodbye. All you did was give me a fucking hug.

I know you dont want to hear it but you were just as destructive and abusive as you think I was. You did so many terrible things to me. You did so many awful things to my parents, but I never left you. I never gave up on you. I dont know how you could just have given up.

Good bye tumblr. I dont have enough self disipline to not check up on him. To not see what he is doing, to not check and make sure he is still alive. The only way i know to save myself from this pain is to delete the tumblr app. And so that is what i am doing. Thank you to the few friends i made. You guys literally saved my life on a few occassions.

“It isn’t untill our support systems fail us that we realize how much we need them.” It always amazes me how quotes from a fictional character can so easily relate to my life.

Not one day passes when i dont think about you Peter. I always thought you had such an immense puprose in life. Everyday I look for you. I look for a blue jay, or something to do with a roller coaster, or some amazing baratone, or a great piano player. But I cant find them. I cant find that sign I look for. I have stopped replaying your death in my mind. I no longer try to figure out if it was a hit and run, if you were beaten, or if it was just an accidental fall. I have come to the realization that I will never know. Yet still I have flash backs to the nightmares of you being beaten. Of your face being bashed in by a rock, or a bat. To the point where not even Tommy could recognize you. I still dream about you being hit by a car. I thought that after a year I would be okay… But I’m not.